Overheard In Providence

I didn’t have this blog back in December 2006 when the times ran this story, but lead-ins be damned. Last night my housemate brought up the Wikipedia entry for ambergris. As any perfume connoisseur (or futurama fan) knows, ambergris is a waxy substance secreted by sperm whales then oxidized by years at sea. It’s unique and complex smell makes it perfect for top notch perfumes.

Like so much other whaly goodness, the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972 banned the sale of ambergris. According to Wikipedia, however, this ruling was overturned in 2001. Collecting floating pieces of whale vomit, after all, doesn’t harm whales (and it keeps our oceans clean!) More importantly, good ambergris can run up to $20 dollars a gram. That’s over $9000 a pound!

So there you have it, time to quit your job and harvest ambergris full time. Unfortunately the only way to presently get ambergris is to search our vast oceans for an ever diminishing supply of whale waste. This is no good for business, but with a modest investment of time and money, I’m confident you can do much better.

Scientists theorize that ambergris is secreted by a sperm whale after it accidently eats some hard to digest item, like the beak of a giant squid. All a young entrepreneur needs to do is raise a bunch of sperm whales, a bunch of giant squids, and once they all grow up, host a few inter-species mixers (possibly sedating the squids first). It’s a can’t miss business, and if you invest in some whale embryos now, you’ll have a fleet of adult sperm whales in about 20 years. Even better, giant squid take only 3 years to grow up (this is important since you’ll be periodically feeding them to the whales).

I realize it’s a bit of a long term investment, so if you’re not convinced, here’s another pre-blog times article highlighting a Puerto Rican farmer who had the foresight to plant mangosteen trees over a decade in advance. Today his trees are finally baring fruit, and as luck would have it Whole Foods currently sells concentrated mangosteen tea at $40 dollars a bottle. I’m hoping the price comes down a bit because the free sample I tried last weekend was excellent. Not too surprising given the mangosteen’s status as a superfruit.